Love and Marriage

I wouldn't really consider this a new post. It's really just a continuance of the one I posted yesterday. Yes, that's right sis, I'm still on the love kick. :)


A few weeks ago I was driving home from an out-of-town business meeting. My boss and another man from the office were with me. When you're cooped up in the small confines of a car with people you don't know well enough to have comfortable silence, you never know where the conversation will lead.
On this day we started discussing love and marriage. My boss and I had different views on several topics within this subject matter. For example, he questioned me about my relationship. He said if my boyfriend and I love each other so much, why do I not have a ring on my finger. Also, he is staunchly against divorce. Now, that is not to say that I am “pro” divorce, by any means. It is an ugly action that should not be taken lightly. However, having gone through one myself, I understand that as sad and painful as it is, sometimes it is the only option left. But I am not so closed minded as to dismiss anothers opinion simply because it differs from my own. So I listened. Admittedly, on certain things I could see where he was coming from, and in a perfect world his theory would be one to live by. But sadly, it is not a perfect world.
I was married for 14 years. In those years, there was no physical abuse, and he wasn't a drinker or a cheater. What we were was young. So very, very young. When you're a teenager, relationships are not based on compatibility with a kindred spirit. Rarely does someone so young connect with another on that kind of level. How could they? At that age most people have not realized their hopes and dreams. They have not matured enough to be the adult they will become. And, like all young people do, we grew up. The problem was, we grew in different directions. Even after I realized we wanted different things from life, I stayed. Like I said, he didn't drink, hit, or cheat. So I resolved myself to the fact that this was my life and I would try to make the best of it.
I tried to connect with my husband. I changed my dreams to match his, hoping this would bring us closer. For years I wore my resolve like a suit of armor and greeted the world with a smile. And I was good at it. No one recognized that my smile was just a facade. No one knew that deep down, in my heart, I grieved for the happiness I thought I'd never have. My armor resolve became a part of me. I didn't even think about it anymore. It was just an extension of myself, and it became easy. That is, until my sisters got married.
When they would come home to visit it was very bittersweet. Sweet because I loved them, I missed them, and I was so very happy to see them. Bitter because I knew I didn't have what they had. I battled with these feelings and I felt incredible guilt for my sadness. On one hand, it overjoyed my heart to see how deeply they were loved and how happy they were. They deserved nothing less. But on the other hand, why didn't I? When I was alone, when no one knew, my resolve would crumble after their visits. It wasn't until years later that my resolve disintegrated completely. And as painful as my divorce was, I have never regretted it.
After the divorce, entering the dating world was hard. It would be accurate to say I had some bad, albeit eyeopening, experiences. I had come to the conclusion that what my sisters had found was just not out there for everyone. It certainly wasn't out there for me. But on June 15, 2008, I was happily proven wrong.
As we pulled back into the office parking lot, I turned to look at my boss. I told him how lucky he and his wife were. Then I said, “I didn't get married thinking I would get a divorce, but things don't always work out the way you hope. I knew it was out there, my sisters have it, but I didn't think it was out there for me. I thought at best I would end up with whoever sucked the least.” He laughed at this. Then I said, “I know it sounds funny, but I'm serious. I figured I would either stay single or settle for whoever sucked the least. That's why he amazes me so much. I can't get over how good we get along, how compatible we are. It's not just a few good things, everything is good. Everyday it overwhelms me. He overwhelms me. We will get married one day, but for now we are happy just to have found each other.” At that he just nodded his head and we went back in the office.
I wonder what we'll talk about on our way home from the next business meeting?