The other day I was on facebook and my cousin had posted about a breakup. Understandably, she was sad. It got me thinking. I think everything we go through in life helps us to be who we are. As much as some of the things in my past have hurt me, I would not be who I am today without them. I think the most important thing is to figure out what the experience taught you, because the only bad mistake is the one you don't learn from. I also think that in love we should suffer some heartbreak. How would we even recognize real love without the knowledge of what it feels like when it's not right? Not only that, when the right person does come along, how would we be able to appreciate how sweet it really is if we hadn't experienced a lesser relationship? A GOOD relationship deserves that. It deserves to be truly appreciated.
So, for my cousin, I am posting this. I wrote this after a "lesser" relationship ended. Although I was distraught, it was an important time in my life. I don't look at it the same way anymore. I have no hard feelings and no resentment. What I realized is that HIS motives didn't matter. Whether you fell for a "player" or just someone with different values than yours, in the end, it doesn't matter. Who cares! What is important is you, and recognizing what the experience did for YOU! We can choose to dwell on "what-if", or we can find a life lesson. As for me, I found myself.
God certainly does work in mysterious ways. Sometimes we learn some of our greatest lessons through our most painful and trying times. It can take a while for these lessons to be recognized and time really is a wonderful healer. It is also an eye-opener. Going through the trials of a painful time it can be almost impossible to see the good that will come from the pain. However, when you emerge on the other side, things can be viewed a little more clearly.
After my divorce, life was so unsure for me. I had never been on my own. I went straight from my father’s house, and his heavy hand, to that of my husband’s. Now, my ex-husband was not a bad man, there was just an unwritten rule of how a wife should live. I tried, I really did. For fourteen years I tried. I guess when you spend your whole life being what someone else thinks you should be, one day that mold will crack. When that happens, the world around you will turn upside down. Although my shell had busted and I had the freedom to be me, I didn’t really know who “me” was. I had always lived as I was expected to. It was very frightening. I was 33 years old, on my own for the first time in my life, and I didn’t know much about this woman I lived with. Then, along came a man.
This man was like no other I had ever met. He lived life to the very fullest. Like every other human on Earth, he had trials, but he didn’t let the bad things define or limit him. He knew who he was and he was comfortable with himself, no matter who else was. It was liberating to see, and oh so very contagious. I found myself experiencing new things and new feelings everyday. It was a glorious journey of self-discovery. Not only was he getting to know me, I was getting to know me as well. What a time it was! In just a few short months my eyes were opened to a new world. A new and exciting world that had always been just out of my grasp. To say that I liked it would be a drastic understatement. I loved it! It was as if he took me by the hand and helped me knock down all the walls that had held me in for so long. I was exhilarated. I was enlightened. I was free.
The crash that hit me when it was over was not pretty. I had held on to him for dear life through this incredible ride. Looking back, I know I held on too hard. At the time, I think I was afraid of becoming the fearful woman I was before I met him. So when it was over, I fell so very hard. I was confused and afraid all over again. This time however, it was not fear of the unknown, but fear of losing the person that I was when I was with him. For a while I did lose her. Or at least I thought I did. But she was still with me. She was just buried under the dreadful pain. Buried and waiting for me to heal. It took almost two years to truly get there. But here I am, on the other side.
As I said, God does work in mysterious ways, lessons are learned through pain, and time is a wonderful healer. If I had not met this man I would not be the woman I am today, and I like me. I know who I am even if no one else does. Through my experience with him I gained much needed confidence and self-assuredness. He took me on the most magical journey of my life and I am so grateful to God that I was able to experience that. I received many gifts from my time with him. When I came out on the other side of the pain I was stronger, wiser, and bolder than before. It was my crossroads. And when I emerged, he had introduced me to Talisha.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Quotes for the day
Sometimes words come to me at the oddest times. Once I was lying in bed and the first paragraph of a short story just popped in my head. Usually if I don't write it down immediately I loose it, so that night I got out of bed and wrote down what was in my head. After I wrote that first paragraph down, the rest just poured. What I am posting now is just a couple of quotes that formed while I was in the shower one afternoon. I think in some way or another, they can apply to almost anyone. They definitely apply to me.
Growing up, my childhood was....let's just say dysfunctional. I think a large part of my insecurities stem in some way from events in the past. I also think that is normal. However, what you have been through does not have to define you. You can't let it. This is something that has been hard for me. My insecurities stopped me from taking any risk for a long time. It took a while, but I have learned that sometimes you just have to suck it up and put yourself out there. If you don't, you will never "reach for the stars," so to speak. It's still hard for me sometimes. I am terrified of rejection. But I think in order to gain success you have to suffer some rejection. If you didn't then the success would not feel as sweet. I guess what I'm trying to say is, even though we all have things in our past that mark us in some way, don't let it stop you from chasing your dreams.
"There is a fine line between letting your past shape your present and letting it limit your future. What you have experienced plays a part in the person you are today, embrace your history; but never, ever, let it limit you from reaching your full potential."
"Being cautious is self-preservation. Being too afraid to try is self-destruction."
Growing up, my childhood was....let's just say dysfunctional. I think a large part of my insecurities stem in some way from events in the past. I also think that is normal. However, what you have been through does not have to define you. You can't let it. This is something that has been hard for me. My insecurities stopped me from taking any risk for a long time. It took a while, but I have learned that sometimes you just have to suck it up and put yourself out there. If you don't, you will never "reach for the stars," so to speak. It's still hard for me sometimes. I am terrified of rejection. But I think in order to gain success you have to suffer some rejection. If you didn't then the success would not feel as sweet. I guess what I'm trying to say is, even though we all have things in our past that mark us in some way, don't let it stop you from chasing your dreams.
"There is a fine line between letting your past shape your present and letting it limit your future. What you have experienced plays a part in the person you are today, embrace your history; but never, ever, let it limit you from reaching your full potential."
"Being cautious is self-preservation. Being too afraid to try is self-destruction."
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
My Son
When I look at my children, I am often amazed at how quickly they are growing into young men. As was the case the night I wrote this. Although this was written almost two years ago, it still applies today. No matter how old they are, I will always see my baby boys when I look at them.
My oldest son is 16 years old and in that teenage phase of “anti-parent.” You know what I mean. He doesn’t want to sit by me anymore, he’d rather I didn’t speak to him in public, and God forbid if I were to hug him in direct view of others. But when I look at him, I still see my baby boy.
For instance, the other night he was sitting on the couch watching television. I walked into the living room and sat at the other end of the couch. Now, like any good teenager, he pointed out to me that no one was sitting on the love seat, and I could sit there. But I, like any good mother, told him I wanted to sit by him. So he rolled his eyes with an exasperated teenager’s grunt and put his feet on my lap. He then asked me to scratch his feet. While this might sound disgusting to some, keep in mind that as the mother of a teenager, I was willing to scratch his feet because this was an acceptable form of physical contact with him.
As I scratched his giant hairy man-feet, I began to flashback in my mind to when he was born. The nurse brought him to me in the hospital and my sister and I opened the cocoon of receiving blankets he was wrapped in. We began admiring this tiny person in awe. He was so beautiful. There had never been a prettier baby in the entire world, I was sure. Then we counted his tiny fingers and toes. Ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes. Oh what a precious child!
Then, my thoughts brought me back to the present. When did my beautiful baby boy grow up? Did I blink? What happened? Did his ten perfect baby toes transform into these giant hairy man-feet that were on my lap overnight? It just didn’t make any sense! These memories made me very overwhelmed with emotion and I just wanted to rock him and tell him he was my baby. However, being a somewhat reasonable woman, I knew this was not an option. So I grabbed my cell phone and I sent him a text that said, “I LOVE YOU!” He jumped to attention when his phone went off, reasonably expecting the message to be from one of his various friends. Then he opened his phone. At which point he read it, rolled his eyes, and grunted. Which in my world, I chose to interpret as, “I love you too mom.”
My oldest son is 16 years old and in that teenage phase of “anti-parent.” You know what I mean. He doesn’t want to sit by me anymore, he’d rather I didn’t speak to him in public, and God forbid if I were to hug him in direct view of others. But when I look at him, I still see my baby boy.
For instance, the other night he was sitting on the couch watching television. I walked into the living room and sat at the other end of the couch. Now, like any good teenager, he pointed out to me that no one was sitting on the love seat, and I could sit there. But I, like any good mother, told him I wanted to sit by him. So he rolled his eyes with an exasperated teenager’s grunt and put his feet on my lap. He then asked me to scratch his feet. While this might sound disgusting to some, keep in mind that as the mother of a teenager, I was willing to scratch his feet because this was an acceptable form of physical contact with him.
As I scratched his giant hairy man-feet, I began to flashback in my mind to when he was born. The nurse brought him to me in the hospital and my sister and I opened the cocoon of receiving blankets he was wrapped in. We began admiring this tiny person in awe. He was so beautiful. There had never been a prettier baby in the entire world, I was sure. Then we counted his tiny fingers and toes. Ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes. Oh what a precious child!
Then, my thoughts brought me back to the present. When did my beautiful baby boy grow up? Did I blink? What happened? Did his ten perfect baby toes transform into these giant hairy man-feet that were on my lap overnight? It just didn’t make any sense! These memories made me very overwhelmed with emotion and I just wanted to rock him and tell him he was my baby. However, being a somewhat reasonable woman, I knew this was not an option. So I grabbed my cell phone and I sent him a text that said, “I LOVE YOU!” He jumped to attention when his phone went off, reasonably expecting the message to be from one of his various friends. Then he opened his phone. At which point he read it, rolled his eyes, and grunted. Which in my world, I chose to interpret as, “I love you too mom.”
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